Daddy's Thinking

The human mind is an amazing thing. It is able to justify, alter, or straight out change events in the past to insure that there is the least amount of stress happening in the present. A brain is a cognitive miser. The more work it takes to do something the less the brain wants to do it. This holds true in many subjects, from reading and writing, to mathematics. More importantly though, this holds true in human interactions as well.

For the sake of this article I'm going to use reference to a piece written on the no seriously what about the menz website Found here. Let's begin with the fundamental belief that the child being cared for, in your home, is yours both biologically and socially. In terms of an investment that child is going to carry on the beliefs of their parents, and more than likely help spread the genes of the mother and father into the next generation. In a sense, that assumption is one of the most comforting things that parents have about their children. Children are a part of the parent's identity as much as the parent is a part of the child's. Everything's hunky dory.

Now, let's shift this just a tad and say, child one of three is not the biological child of one of the parents. For the sake of argument, let's also say that the father isn't biologically related to that child. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Well, the father doesn't know the child isn't his. Nor does he realize that in a few years he's probably going to be looking for a second house because of a divorce. Legally and socially speaking, that child is still his. He is one of the legal guardians, and also is emotionally invested in that child. That's one of the great things about children. It takes very little to see them as a part of your life. However, what happens if you start building a relationship on a false premise? Emotional attachment is a fickle thing, as is love, as many have found to their consternation.

To put this in perspective, fatherhood is a cornerstone of a man's identity once they become a father. There are some that reject the formation, there are others that embrace it. However, it will and does change them mentally, and physically. A good article on it can be Found here... Add that to the mental changes that take place when a woman is pregnant and going to have your child and you get a large number of mental changes compounding on each other. New associations are made, new patterns are created. In a way an expecting father can and more than likely will, pattern their life around the expectation of providing for, and protecting that little bundle of carbon, water, and various acids. Key to that pattern is the though “This is my baby! THIS IS MY BABY!”

Now take all that and let's remove one of the key supports. The father finds out he's not the real daddy. There goes link number one. That still means that they have the emotional connections and social connections remaining. That's great, only one of the three key links to that child failed. Not too horrible right? One of the things that is problematic about the human brain is the organizational structure it takes. The brain is built using a series of hierarchical structures for information. You have general topics, then more specific topics, then more specific topics, then more specific topics until you reach a single point where you find your answer. These schema are the basic building blocks of how we think. They form by associating different materials together over long periods of time. The more familiar, or the more often we pull up the information from one of these schema the easier it is to remember it. Let's compound that with another notion. Ever try to not think about something. We can play that game right now. Try to not think about what you're doing this weekend. Try to think about what kind of plans you've made, or if you've got laundry to do. Kinda hard to not think about it isn't it.

So what does this have to do with the two connections that remain relatively strong? Well, what if I said, that no matter how many times the guy says to himself “It doesn't matter that this isn't my child” that it does matter. Association is a very cruel and painfully easy to manipulate tool when it comes to causing people suffering, especially with how our brains think. Let's take this example and flush it out a bit more. During every interaction there are dozens of things happening. Just sitting at your computer reading this for example there are about twenty different things that you're intentionally ignoring. The cat just walked into the room, the neighbors are having a barbeque, the toilet just flushed, the fan on your computer is kicking up because of all the youtube you've watched today. All of these things hover below the radar. It's not something you really want to pay attention to. Your brain is trying to save energy by quickly classifying, and sorting incoming information. After it's gone through the process of sorting what's important from what's not, then you think about it.

So, to get to the point; the association is present that this child isn't yours. It's been input and associated with the child. It's right up there with the turmoil of divorce and moving into a new house to try and get time with the kids. Every court case a reminder that the children you're fighting for may not be yours, but you still want to see them. Every visitation a nagging feeling in the back of your head that, one of these children isn't mine. Could the others also not be mine? There's a lot of poison that can be spread through a single association. Our brain is great at making traumatic things easy to remember after all.

So, maybe it's wrong of me to say this, but I want to know that that child is mine. I want to have the assurance that when I go to bed at night and hold my wife in my arms, that our kids will be as much a part of me as they are a part of her. After all, I don't have the assurance of them coming out of my privates. I just have the knowledge that I provided a few picograms of genetic material.